Talk to a Friend
This is my last post on painful thoughts about “the world is in chaos”. In my previous post, I tried to shift my painful thought People should stop feeding hate. It’s horrible and a waste of the precious little time we have on this planet. I used the Find the Thinking Traps method and got rid of the “should” trap.
I now ask myself how much do I still believe my original painful thought? Is it 100%? 50%? 25%? If I’m honest with myself, I’d say I believe my “should” about being hateful about 50%. For me, that’s not good enough. I want the believability to be 25% or lower. That means I have to try another method to shift my brain cells. David Burns has a list of about 50, and there are many more than that to try. It usually only takes a few to get the brain to shift.
I am going to try the Talk to a Friend technique. What I do is I pretend this is my friend’s thought and she is an exact clone of me. She tells me she has been feeling upset after watching the news. She is feeling overwhelmed about the world being in chaos. She says to me: Karin, I’m so upset and overwhelmed with all the negativity in the world. It’s really bringing me down. And I know a big part of it is all the hatred I see – it makes me SO angry. I know that people should stop feeding hate – it is SO horrible and such a waste of the precious little time we have on this planet. You agree with me, right Karin?
And now I have to respond truthfully to my friend. I have to say You’re absolutely right and here’s why or Sorry to say it, but you’re wrong, and here’s why. Now it would be really easy to say to my friend You’re SOOO right – hate is TERRIBLE – those people who spread it are awful and deserve to be punished! And part of this response I DO agree with; the part that says ”hate is TERRIBLE”. But I don’t agree with “should-ing” on people. I’m not queen of the world; I don’t get to tell adults what to do, just like I’m not okay with other adults telling me what to do. So this is what I might truly say to my friend:
You are so right that hate is terrible and it is SO SAD that we live in a time with so much hate. But sorry, my dear friend, I don’t agree with “people should” no matter what follows. I don’t think it is respectful to tell people what to do; I don’t think I have the right to tell them either. I do have the right to say I’m don’t like their behavior. I do have the right to not hang out with people like that. I also have the right to not vote for people who spread hatred. All those things are true. My dear friend, I would also say that people are hateful because they are afraid or feel they aren’t good enough, and the things that make them feel that way need to be addressed. We are a species that is still figuring out how to get our needs met without stomping on others’ needs. We’re getting better at it, but really slowly, which is why it feels painful. I don’t want to “should” on others – it adds to their fear, hurt, or anger, which feeds the problem. I will just focus on solving the root cause rather than getting distracted by the symptom.
After I’ve responded to my friend, I think about my response. Did any parts resonate for me? If so, I write them down. I then check in with myself on how believable my original painful thought is and see if it has changed at all. For me personally, I would say my response to my friend moved my belief down to 20%, which is good enough. Now whenever my brain tries to give me that “should”, I have something to say back to it that I truly believe. That will cause my brain to shift over time; sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly.
If this technique wasn’t enough to shift my brain, then I go onto the next one, until I find the one that tickles my brain cells just right and releases the self-protecting lies of my brain. And don’t feel like you are failing if you can’t get your brain cells to release by doing this on your own; sometimes you need another brain to help you. It can be hard to change your brain using your own brain.
If you want to know more about this process, David Burns books and his Feeling Good website can help, as well as my free e-book. It walks through this process in much more detail. That is all I plan to say for now on this topic; on to juicier topics next time. Warmly, Karin.
