Sexual Connection.

Sex is complicated. It is complicated in the body; it is complicated culturally; it is intertwined in our politics (politics is power, and power matters in sex). Let me start with a perhaps radical question, but it is one that I don’t hear asked enough:

Does sex matter, and if so, why?

I answer that question by looking at what sex does for us, and then seeing where that goes. So what does sex do for us?

Sex is a bonding activity. It is one way we tell the brain that we are connected to our intimate partner. When we have sex, chemicals are released that increase our feelings of closeness and connection. So sex is one way we can strengthen the bond in our intimate relationships. But people who don’t have sex with their intimate partner (because they physically can’t or choose not to), can still feel bonded. This tells us that sex is just one way to bond; it is not the only way.

Sex is a biological urge that increases the likelihood that our species will continue. The strength of this urge varies dramatically across people. But when it is strong, it is like an itch that your brain is pushing you to scratch. It makes you focus there even if you don’t want to.

Sex can be used for pleasure and fun. Because sex is intended to be a pleasurable activity - although it isn’t always pleasurable - we use sex for recreation. In other words, we use it to get “feel good” chemicals released in our bodies. And if we can have that fun with someone we like, then we get the bonus of having a fun, shared activity, which helps us bond and feel closer.

Sex is sometimes used to deal with negative emotions. Sometimes we use sex to give us a chemical boost out of unpleasant feelings. These can be feelings of stress, worry, inadequacy, and so on.

We sometimes use sex to give us reassurance. We might be worried we aren’t attractive enough, or that our partner will leave us if we aren’t “good enough” in some way, sexually or otherwise. So we use sex to reduce our anxiety.

Note that if we overuse sex for one of these areas we tend to get into emotional and sometimes physiological trouble. For example, if we use sex a lot to de-stress or deal with our negative emotions, we condition the brain to cope with negative emotion through an “injection” of drugs; in this case, the drugs are the feel good chemicals released by sex. This is a key part of the problem in sexual addictions.

Do I need sex? Do I have to want sex?

No one needs sex. People don’t die because they didn’t get sex or have sex. Sex is optional. If sex gives you something positive, then it makes sense to do it. If it gives you something negative, it makes sense that you don’t want to do it. If it leaves you feeling neutral, then chances are you probably won’t be that interested. There are no “shoulds” allowed in sex (“I should want sex”, “I should want less sex”, “I should be sexier”, “I should perform better”, etc.). Sexual feelings are complicated. There are lots of reasons the human brain makes us want sex and lots of reasons the human brain makes us not want sex. You have the right to decide whether doing the work on those complications is worth it to you in order to feel different sexually. If you are feeling crushed by all the “shoulds” aimed at you, you may find the articles on the Everyday Feminism website helpful (BTW, feminism is about inclusion for all and against all forms of discrimination and hate).

But here’s where it gets tricky. If you are in a relationship and your partner wants sex and you are negative or neutral about it, what do you do? Well, you first need to decide whether you want to be more sexual with your partner.

YOU get to decide this, not your partner.

Of course, your partner gets to decide whether the level of sex in the relationship works for them. If it doesn’t and you can’t find a workaround (although, that’s what the rest of this page talks about), then you may not be a good fit for each other.

I want to change my level of sexual interest. Now what?

If you’ve decided that you do want to feel more positive about sex, or want to be more interested in sex with your partner, then I highly recommend starting with watching the videos below (WARNING: The second one does briefly talk, although not graphically, about sexual assault). Emily Nagoski is a sex educator whose content I agree with. My only quibble with her is that she still implies that we all “should” want sex. My view is that humans need touch, connection, and to feel like we belong; sex isn’t necessary to meet those needs but it is one way we meet them. I recommend Emily’s book, Come as You Are if you want to work on your sexual desire. You can get it at the Halifax library.

One last point. As a couples therapist, I have found that the number one reason a partner does not want sex is because of emotional hurts in the relationship. That’s good news! It means if you learn how to take care of the emotional side of your relationship, it is likely the sexual side will improve too.