Longing to belong
Humans REALLY want to belong. We can’t help it; we are wired for it. It is part of our built in survival instincts. We are social animals because being social helps us survive. So belonging equals surviving, at least that’s how the brain sees it. So the brain REALLY cares about whether we belong.
Because the brain cares so much about whether we belong, we can get into all sorts of trouble TRYING to belong and into all sorts of trouble when we are told we DON’T belong. For example, if we feel like we don’t belong, we are easy targets for cults, gangs, and terrorist recruiters. These groups tell the vulnerable among us “you can be part of OUR group; we think you’re GREAT”. And because our brains are desperate to belong, they will make us ignore all the red flags that get activated when interacting with these kinds of groups.
You also see our need to belong when we go overboard in our enthusiasm about our sports teams. We can start feeling real hatred toward the opponent, which is kind of nutty when you think about it. But that’s the drive to belong acting up.
People in therapy often tell me that they are people pleasers and they don’t like that about themselves. That behavior to a large extent comes from the brain thinking we need to please the “group” (whoever that might be) so they don’t kick us out. Again, belonging is at play. It isn’t the only factor; people pleasing is a brain strategy to keep us safe around invalidating or aggressive people. We often learn this strategy in childhood when we are powerless to escape the harmful behavior of others.
Being repeatedly told we DON’T belong not only makes us vulnerable to people and groups that want to exploit us, it damages us emotionally (thankfully, that damage can be healed). The brain NEEDS us to belong and if we are told, “sorry, you don’t belong and you will never belong because of your skin color, gender, ability, sexuality, etc.” the brain gets caught in an endless anxiety loop. It thinks “I need to survive which means I need to belong, but I can’t belong because of who I am, but then I won’t survive and I need to survive, which means I need to belong …” and there it spins, generating endless stress hormones.
Many people complain about the need to be “politically correct”. I think what gets lost is that what really matters is that we are inclusive. It is easy to accidentally (or purposely) use words that tell others they aren’t included and they don’t belong. This creates emotional damage and not because we are weak, but because we are wired to crave belonging. So why isn’t everyone affected by non-inclusive language? Well if you are in a group that regularly gets messages that you belong in this world, then non-inclusive language won’t hit you as hard.
So what can we do to help each other and ourselves with the pain of not belonging? We can push back against messaging that says people don’t belong. We can stand up against hate. For those of us who are the targets of those messages of “you don’t belong”, we can look after our emotional selves so the pain of those messages doesn’t crush us.
Some of the tools on my website can help you with that or of course, you can always come talk to me if you are feeling stuck in this kind of pain. And let me end by saying, you DO belong. You belong to my family, the family of all living things who like me, are just trying to make a go of it on this little spaceship we call Earth.
