What, me? Defensive?
If your partner said to you: “I’m worried that we’re spending too much – our credit card bill is out of control”, how would you respond? Would you say something like “Don’t blame me! You’re the one who keeps wanting to eat out” or “Why did you have to bring that up just when we were getting along?” If so, you may be falling into the defensiveness trap.
It’s natural to be defensive when you feel attacked. But wait a minute – is “I’m worried that we’re spending too much” an attack? Well actually, it’s not. It’s healthy communication. So why get defensive? Because we get defensive when we feel attacked, whether or not we actually are being attacked. There are many reasons people can feel attacked even when it’s not happening. They might have been attacked with criticism growing up and so became hypersensitive to the threat of attacks. They might feel they aren’t good enough and live in constant fear that others will see this. In this case, they are always anticipating a negative remark because they believe it about themselves. The defensiveness makes sense in both cases. It makes sense, but it isn’t helpful.
Defensiveness is a problem because it pushes people away and it is an obstacle to problem solving. When couples get repeatedly defensive (occasional defensiveness can be manageable, so long as it is occasional), they can’t move forward on the issues that are important to them. When that happens, they add another brick to the wall that sits between them. The emotional brick wall then becomes another obstacle to problem solving because it raises questions of their partner’s good intentions. When you aren’t confident your partner has your interests in mind, it is hard to work as a team. So if you want to get stuck in the same old problems and spin around and around with them, being defensive is the path!
But most of us don’t want to stay stuck in problems. We want to solve them and move forward. So how do we break out of defensiveness? John Gottman has studied successful and unsuccessful couples for several decades. He says the antidote to defensiveness is listening. And it IS the antidote, but it is oh so hard to do, especially when you’re feeling hurt or frustrated. In order to break out of the very natural but unhelpful pattern of defensiveness, most of us need to employ multiple strategies. Here are some of the ones I think are the most effective:
Anti-defensiveness Strategies
Plan your conversations. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to be on their “A” game when you spontaneously say “Hey, I’m ticked off about …” Instead, agree that you can’t expect great communication about emotional topics unless you are both ready for the conversation.
Start having one-sided conversations. I know this sounds strange, but hear me out. It can help to force yourself to just be a listener, rather than try to be both a speaker and listener, in the same conversation. If you try to be both, chances are your emotional brain will start to push you around and you won’t be able to stay calm.
So I recommend to people that they try taking turns being the listener. This means, I listen to what you have to say (using my secret super power, compassionate listening skills) and then we stop. Then a few hours later or the next day or some other time, I am the speaker and you are the listener. Then we stop. We take a break (again a few hours, a day, or whatever works for you) and come back together. If we are both feeling pretty good about those conversations, we may now be able to have a back and forth dialogue. If there is still too much emotion, then we do another round of taking turns, and so on.
Practice the disarming technique. This is a tool that will force your brain out of defensiveness. If you practice it, it will become more automatic.
Remember that defensiveness is a sign that someone feels emotionally unsafe. Being curious about this can help you stay calm and not vilify your partner. You can ask yourself what this might be about for your partner. Also think about what someone who feels unsafe might need. What do you need when you feel unsafe? Most of us need things like gentleness, comfort, and reassurance. Some of us need space. The problem with space though is that it can start to become a barrier in the relationship. Monitor how much space you are okay with and when it crosses a line that makes you feel disconnected from your partner.
If you are unable to break out of a pattern of repeated defensiveness, it may be time for professional help. Defensiveness damages relationships and the longer it goes unchecked, the more difficult it can be to save the relationship.
