“I’m not good enough”

Many of us struggle with the painful belief that we are not good enough. It is a very common fear. But why is it painful? Why does my brain care whether or not I’m good enough? It clearly does care because it gives me awful feelings when I have that thought, feelings like shame and fear. When I ask people “if it is true that you aren’t good enough, why would that be a problem for you?” many of them look at me like I’m crazy but then will answer that “it’s a problem because if I’m not good enough, then no one will want me and I will always be alone.” So for them, the real fear is being alone. But why does being alone scare us?

Loneliness is a threat to survival

Being alone is a basic human fear. Why? Because we are social animals who rely on connection as a survival strategy. So if our brains get a hint of anything that suggests this survival strategy is threatened, it gives us pain. That pain is meant to get our attention so we fix the “connection problem”.

Unfortunately, the brain often gets mixed up about what is a real threat to connection and what is not. For example, if as a child you were often told that you were stupid, or selfish, or lazy, etc., or your caregivers ignored you a lot, your brain would have made a note of “I must suck”. Once your brain registered this, it would have started to worry that your “suckiness” or inadequacy would interfere with your ability to connect with others and therefore be safe in the world. So it would push you to be a people pleaser, put your own needs second, strive to be perfect, etc., so that others will like you. This would help your brain relax because it would say, “phew, this is the solution to the connection problem. I will just be extra nice and totally perfect and then no one will leave, even though I’m not good enough.”

Do you see what the problem is here though? It’s not true that I’m not good enough! But instead of resolving that inaccurate belief, the brain creates a work-around, like becoming a people pleaser or a perfectionist. All this happens because the “I’m not good enough” message tends to get in us as children, when our brains are not developed enough to know that this is a bogus message.

But what if it is true? What if I REALLY am not good enough?

Okay, let’s play that scenario out. You might be right (but you aren’t because no one is ‘not good enough’, as you will see.) But if you really aren’t good enough, then understand that this in and of itself won’t cause you emotional pain. The brain will only make you feel pain if it believes a goal or need is blocked. So if you are feeling pain then you must be adding something to the “I’m not good enough” message, like “I’m not good enough which means no one will want me and then I’ll always be alone” or “I’m not good enough which means I won’t be able to get a good job and make enough money to look after myself, which means I’ll be homeless”, or some other scary possibility. So let’s see how true the part after “I’m not good enough” is since that’s where the pain really sits. I’ll use the first version, which is the fear of being alone.

Who do you know that is not a good enough human being? Murderers? Spouse abusers? Hitler? Donald Trump? Now ask yourself, are (or were) they alone? What you’ll find is nope, they aren’t or weren’t. Being a crappy human being does not mean you will be alone. Instead, the real reasons people end up alone are:

• They are afraid they suck so they don’t take any chances to connect with people. They are expecting rejection, which is painful, so they avoid that pain.

• They have awful relationship skills and don’t realize it or are too afraid to get help for it.

The other question you can ask yourself is “what does it actually mean to ‘suck’ or ‘not suck’? What qualities do I need to have to be ‘good enough’? Is it intelligence, wealth, success, beauty, or something else?” Write down the qualities you think you are lacking and that if you had them, it would mean you are “good enough.”

Now look at the list. Who do you know that is also lacking those qualities? Are they good enough? Mother Theresa wasn’t wealthy or beautiful and you could argue whether she was successful or even intelligent. Was she good enough? Can you see the holes in your brain’s work-around yet?

You can also ask yourself “when did I become not good enough? Was I born that way? Is a newborn baby not good enough? What did that baby have to do to no longer be good enough?”

Once your brain starts to get it …

If you are starting to feel some give in your brain’s view of yourself, you can keep that momentum going by giving it a new belief to hang onto. Here are some suggestions.

“I am good enough to not be alone. I don’t need to be better or perfect to have people like me. Some people liked Hitler. Some people are in relationships with murderers. So if I am alone, it is nothing to do with how good I am. It is more to do with my courage and maybe my relationship skills.”

“I do not need to be perfect to be loved. If I am alone it is because my fear is holding me back, not my lack of perfection. In fact, my perfection is a barrier to connection.”

“Good enough to be loved means being kind and wanting to work on a relationship with someone. Those things are in my control.”

Consolidating change …

Once you find a new belief that feels true to you, you will need to encourage your brain to use it. You can do this on a piece of paper and create a chart like the sample one below. Each day, review and add to your chart. Occasionally, note how believable the old and new beliefs feel to you, so you can track it. A day will come when you realize the old belief no longer has any power over you. That means your change is solidified. Yay!!!