Relationship Enlightenment
The morning that I wrote this, I did my usual routine with my partner of over 35 years: while he was finishing showering and dressing, I pulled together our simple breakfast of cereal and coffee. When he came into the kitchen, he looked at breakfast and went “oh, I won’t be eating because I’m off to the dentist in a little while”. When he said that, my brain immediately went “he’s criticizing you for forgetting his dentist appointment” and “he’s rejecting your loving act of pulling together his breakfast”. I didn’t immediately recognize that was what my brain was saying; I just felt annoyed and a bit hurt.
My question to you is: who was in the wrong here? Was it my partner for not reminding me that he wouldn’t be needing breakfast? Was it me for forgetting that he had a dentist appointment and that this meant he didn’t eat breakfast until he came back? Was it him for not giving me a softer “no thanks”? Or was it me for being upset about something so trivial? Think about who you think was in the right here and who was in the wrong and then I will tell you my opinion.
Do you have your own idea? Good. Here’s mine. Both of us were right and both of us were wrong and this is the truth 99.9% of the time in relationships. I was right to be hurt because frankly I couldn’t help that my brain automatically reacted the way it did; it just does that. I was wrong because my brain was lying to me that I was being criticized and rejected; my partner clearly wasn’t doing either. My partner was right because it was fair for him to expect me to remember that he doesn’t eat breakfast before going to the dentist. He was wrong because he didn’t take into account that the human brain can feel rejected rather easily and he could have given a kinder rejection. In this scenario, as in many scenarios with couples, no one is wrong and no one is right. The only truth is that the human brain was being its usual difficult self.
In my view, in order to have a loving relationship, we have to achieve relationship “enlightenment” which means the light bulb goes on in our heads that the enemy isn’t our partner. The enemy is our poorly designed human brains. They interpret and react in ways that interfere with closeness. It’s a royal pain; but that’s the key. It’s not my partner that’s a royal pain; it’s being human with a human brain. If you can achieve that enlightenment, you will have less conflict in your relationship. By the way, you are allowed to feel annoyed at this truth! It IS a pain to have to fight our own brains so much.
What I and many others have found is that happiness comes when you realize your brain is constantly fooling you but that you don’t have to fall for it. Unfortunately we all DO still fall for it a lot, me included; we just can’t help it sometimes. It is a part of being human that’s irritating and kind of funny at the same time. I am sure that is why the Dalai Lama calls himself a “professional laugher”. When you see the truth of being human, which is a key goal of Buddhism, you can’t help but find it amusing how often we fool ourselves but insist that we aren’t fooled. The brain is giggling at us all the time as it tricks us into this or that and we continue to fall for it.
