The Dark Side

Subby and Conny

David Burns in his Feeling Good podcast often mentions his belief that humans have a dark side and that we actually enjoy going to the dark side. By the “dark side”, he means that we have harmful impulses like aggression, greed, spite, jealousy, arrogance, and so on.

I of course agree that we have these impulses; they get us into all sorts of trouble personally and politically. But do we really enjoy going to the dark side? Do we really enjoy being jealous, angry, spiteful and so on? Well I guess it depends on who we mean when we say “we enjoy it”.

I think it helps to think of our brains as the home of two major characters: our subconscious, emotional brain and our conscious rational brain. I call the first one Subby and the second one Conny. Neuroscientists describe the brain as having competing modules and I know I sometimes feel Subby and Conny fighting over whether I should stay mad at my partner, or whether I should have the large DQ blizzard or the small one, and so on.

Subby is the home of our survival instincts of fight, flee, and freeze. Subby is instinctive, emotional and powerful. So, when David Burns says we like being in the dark side, I would say Subby likes being in the dark side because that is how Subby solves problems. Subby’s wiring is basic survival so that means “do what you have to do to get this problem solved and don’t worry about anybody else”. Subby is also wired for lots of fears because being afraid keeps us looking for threats in the environment. If we are on the lookout for threats, then we’ll see them coming and guess what, we’re more likely to survive.

If I look at some of these “dark side” emotions, you can see the survival fears in them. I’m greedy because I’m afraid I won’t have enough … to survive. I might be jealous because I’m afraid that my status isn’t enough (for example). If I had more status, then I would be safer because my group will be less likely to turn on me, and so on.

When David Burns says “we enjoy the dark side”, I have to say yes, Subby enjoys it. But I’m not Subby, and I don’t identify as Subby. Yes Subby is in me and she (in my case Subby is a ‘she’)  pushes me around and is pretty powerful. But I didn’t choose to have my Subby wiring; it was given to me by Mother Nature and my childhood experiences. I define myself by what I have chosen, not by what was foisted on me by evolution and my childhood.

So sorry David Burns, I have to disagree with you that “we like the dark side”. To me, I am Conny, the part of me that chooses what she values, knows what she wants and how she wants to be. Conny definitely doesn’t like being spiteful, arrogant, greedy, violent, and so on. Subby wants Conny to be that way sometimes because Subby thinks it makes me safe. But the real me, Conny, keeps working on getting Subby to relax so I can use better ways to solve the problems in my life, ways that don’t have to hurt other people and still look after me. I am Conny hear me (respectfully) roar!